Different Weekly Update: Anxiety Chat.

I’ve re-wrote this post so many times before actually posting it out there for everyone to read because I’ve decided to speak out about some personal struggles within my own anxiety experiences. Because I literally have nothing to report to you about my week I’ve decided to do a bit of a chatty post to accompany it.

Anxiety, we all know how misunderstood this illness is and most of the time it comes paired with depression. Both of which I am a sufferer of.  Admittedly I feel as though when I write about my own mental health issues that people do not take it seriously and not only that they see me as a weak human being and this doesn’t apply to everybody who reads my blog or listens to me when I speak to them about it, but sometimes I feel like I am being totally misunderstood and there’s always that underlying feeling that you feel like people are judging you or think you’re lying about it.

I’m going to seriously get pretty deep about my anxiety and depression in this post so warning to anybody who may want to stop reading now.

Before I was put on antidepressants I was in a really bad way. My thoughts were so morbid constantly. I used to picture myself hanging off every tree we drove past in the car. I would sit there in the bath at night and I would wonder if people would actually care if I never came out the bathroom alive. I would constantly visualise people dying in car accidents every time I knew someone was driving somewhere. I was terrified that the people close to me were going to die in a car accident as soon as they got in the car and I wouldn’t rest until I knew they were home or at a destination safe.

I thought these thoughts were completely normal,  I was adamant that the way I was, was literally just me and the way I had to live the rest of my life. I thought that if I went to the doctors about it, they wouldn’t believe how I really felt and just send me off on my way without any help, since being on anti-depressants in January it soon became a shock and a relief when these thoughts stopped and I actually started to relax and enjoy life and feel a lot happier about things. I no longer have any of the issues above. I am completely and utterly content with how my life is.

Don’t get me wrong I still have underlying issues like being able to travel on my own, speaking on a telephone or even driving. For some reason, these seem to have much more underlying issues to them that the tablets didn’t make go away and they’re something I am dealing with as every day goes by.

This week has been a tough one because I have had an anxiety filled week and even now I am flooded with feelings of anxiousness. I get these flare ups occasionally and have done for the past few months. I have days where I would not eat either that or I eat so much that I’d be sat up all night feeling sick and have the worst heartburn I also have days where I isolate myself from everybody because I have so much going on in my mind that I need to take a day or two to calm down my mind.

I’ve been considering going back to the doctors but have currently just written how I’ve been off due to surrounding circumstances because when I was finally able to let go of any negative feelings then I found myself feeling a lot better. But this week I was faced with a hard decision on whether or not I wanted to go over everything I had forgotten about again. I found myself getting so worked up over the concept of it that I was getting chest pain, bad asthma attacks and a mass loss of appetite every day and I knew this wasn’t good nor healthy and something had to be done to stop this. Unfortunately without going into detail, what was offered to be done wasn’t good enough. Even explaining that mentally I cannot go through with something, that was not an excuse.

The most hurtful part of the whole situation I am being very cryptic about is that I feel like my mental health is not considered as important and anybody’s mental health should be taken 100% seriously. Mental health kills people and makes people extremely poorly.  Why do people not consider this?

I just think anxiety, depression and any other mental health issue should be taken very seriously and people should consider this more regarding situations. Just because they don’t suffer from it or experience it on a day to day basis doesn’t mean it is not there and that people do not suffer from it.

Because of how much of an emotional roller coaster this week has been I honestly can’t remember what I did yesterday without stressing out over not being able to remember so I’m not going to go into a mass detail about how boring it has been.

So, how am I going to move on from this? I’ve done all I can offer and now I need to accept that and stop overthinking situations I cannot control. I’ve done my part and that’s all I can do now. I cannot control how other people want to approach or take on a situation and I won’t allow that to make me feel as though I have made the wrong decision. My mental health is the most important thing to keeping myself fit and healthy, in the mind and physically.

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Role Reversal; Being Infront Of The Camera.

As most of you probably know I am most at ease behind the camera, where my face is hidden by the chunk of technology I’m holding in front of my face. I’ve never really been very comfortable in front of the camera.

I decided to let Stewart take some photographs of me, under the strict instructions that I chose the lighting, backdrop, lens and clothing. All he was allowed to do was press the shutter and take the photographs. I just hate not being in control. God only knows what I’m going to be like on my wedding day. I even edited the images myself.

The reason I wanted to do this is that I was sick of having snap chat selfies as my display pictures and the ones that weren’t selfies I was getting bored of, I wanted something more “me” in my style of work, to help maybe promote my style of work.

I have a specific portrait style and at risk of sounding like I’m tooting my own horn, I really like it. There’s room for improvement obviously but I like where I’m going with it and I wanted some pictures of myself done in that way.

Being in front of the camera if you’re not used to it is very hard, even with Stewart being my “shutter presser” I was asking him to help me with posing ideas. You don’t realize how hard it is being in front until you’re playing model yourself, every photographer I believe should be placed in front of the camera instead of behind, just to gain a bit more understanding of how your model may be feeling and this will help you make clients feel at ease when you’re photographing them.

It’s hard sometimes as a photographer to think up poses for your clients but the more experience you get I do believe it gets easier. The best thing for you to do is plan before a shoot, that’s probably stating the obvious but there’s probably a surprising number of photographers out there who don’t plan their shoots and then they end up stood there in an awkward stare off during a shoot ( I know this because I’ve been there.), making it harder for your client to relax.

 

Doggy Portraits, Wedding Planning & A New Bun? 23/07/17

Update time!

I gave myself the mission of taking more photographs this week as I really feel like I don’t take enough. I have a phone that takes perfectly good photographs so I have no excuse to not shoot at all. I do however need to use my camera more, maybe next week I will get my studio out and do some studio shots, it’s been a while since I shot in the studio. Enough about that; let’s get on with the catch up, got your cuppa?

Monday

A beautiful sunny Monday! Ah, It felt good to feel the hot sun on my skin again. Me and Stewart went to Gainsborough for lunch at nanna’s house; I always enjoy spending time with family. No matter what it is whether we’re invited on a day out or to just spend the day at their house. No matter what you’re doing you’re always making memories.  The ultimate highlight of my day was when I made friends with a black kitty in the alley by the side of nan’s house. I’ve never seen this one before (Nan gets super aggy if I call all the cats to her house at once and I do this whenever I get a chance, I know all the cats in nan’s street!)

 

 

Tuesday

Tuesday was a day of admin, due to the gorgeous weather I decided to do it outside. I didn’t get very far with it as I didn’t take my sunglasses out with me and have any of you actually tried writing on white paper with the sun beaming down on the page? It legitimately blinds you and unfortunately, I was too lazy to go in and grab some sunglasses and instead took it all inside, stared at it a bit longer and that was it.

Me and Stewart also got out our wedding scrap book and started working on it. We’ve noticed how quickly 1 year went by and decided it was time to start looking at stuff (with only 4 years remaining.) and coming up with budgets. We were supposed to be looking at potential venues this time, but instead made a clear set decision on where we wanted it to take place, and what date in the future. So I guess,  WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL WEDDING DATE?

 

 

Wednesday

Wednesday didn’t result in much, I am struggling to remember what I even did as there are no images in my phone from Wednesday. Probably another day of sitting at my computer screen, trying to piece together idea’s I have for my photography and wondering where the hell I am going to find the models for it.

p.s If you guys know of any models or something or a good place to look for models then please, help a girl out and send it forwards.

 

Thursday

Thursday, I did something, obviously with the go ahead from Stewart because I would never just come home with a fluffy animal without Stewart’s permission. (I totally have done this once!!)

Okay, so the background here is that I’ve wanted a big fat black lop bunny for a while, to even out my colours in the rabbits and I want to put all their names on their hutch door, but there are 5 spaces and I only had 4 rabbits.

We went into the pet shop, to pick up mums bunny Gandalf. He was alone, nobody wanted him and so mum had bought him. a beautiful black and grey lion head, obviously, there’s going to be trouble taking me into a pet shop that sells live animals. I can’t bear to see them caged.

TEENY, TINY BABY DWARF RABBITS. Safe to say I bought one and it came straight home with me, SO not really the big fat lop I wanted, but still black!

Everybody, meet Bronson.

 

Friday

I decided to drag the Studio set up out and originally planned to do some still life work, however, the dogs as soon as the studio comes out and is erected think it’s time for their photographs to be taken and like the soft head I am, I just cannot say no to them. I always photograph them but never have I ever managed to get a photograph of them both together, until today. Aren’t my boys just the most handsome devils ever in these images?  I was contemplating getting the rabbits out but that’s too much effort for solo shooting. I need Stewart my wing man for that.

 

 

Saturday

Today me, Alison (Stewart’s mum) and Bec (Stewart’s sister) planned to go to a psychic and clairvoyant fair based in Market Rasen. The day started as normal as possible, with me and Alison venturing out to Sleaford to pick Bec up, roof down on the Mercedes, being ladies (haha) of leisure, We picked  Bec and Ron (Bec’s dog!) and headed back to Lincoln to drop of Ronny at home so we could get out to Market Rasen to explore the fair. The day was going according to plan until we hit a mass standstill of traffic. Due to an accident located in the middle of Lincoln, the WHOLE of Lincoln came to a standstill and a half an hour journey turned into a 2 hour one; this didn’t leave us with much time to get to the fair and have a good look around, eventually, thanks to matt being driver for us, we got there with an hour of exploration time before it closed. We were out of there again within 10 minutes. It wasn’t very good and we left and found some lunch in a nearby pub. I am now planning my next business venture. Selling crystals and laminated quotes and printed images.

 

Sunday

Today and went to see my Uncle in the hospital and then I let Stewart take photographs of me, kind of  with a lot of assistance from me because I like my photographs to look and be taken in a specific way and style. Somehow it is half 7 and I have no idea where the hell the day has gone but I hope you have all had a fantastic week.

I have also decided to do a lot more photography related posts on this blog so keep your eye out for them!

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The Bail Gate, Lincoln, 2017.

Happy Wednesday everybody! Hope you’re all having a great week so far and have been enjoying the wonderful sunshine. Today I have got a very short and sweet post for you πall;

I’ve been playing a lot with my photography recently and for some reason, I am drawn to photographing streets. I don’t even know what this kind of photograph would come under subject wise. I always find myself pottering to the prettiest part of Lincoln when I want to take photographs because it’s so photogenic and accessible and I always spot different things every time.All images have been taken using Canon 6D.

 

All images have been taken using Canon 6D.

 

 

 

House Maintenance, Furry Friends..

It feels like it has been an awfully long week.

Monday

Me and Stewart spent the day in Gainsborough today. We didn’t do a lot, just had a mooch around marshals yard and then sat and stuffed our faces at mums house. Just a normal day these days. The weekend was still catching up with me today though, I found myself stupidly tired and so achy from the rad dance moves I was cracking on the dancefloor on Saturday night.

In pictures;
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Tuesday

I did not want a boring day at home, I was enjoying the dismal rainy weather inside and I wanted to enjoy it in the conservatory, however, honestly the conservatory is never a room we really gave any attention at all. We never wanted to be in there. I decided to give it a makeover because I had nothing better to do. I think it looks much better now, just needs another blow-up chair to complete.

Wednesday

I cannot start the day without creating my day’s to-do list over a cup of tea. So, I did that sat in my cosy newly decorated conservatory. Unfortunately, today the sun was making it too hot and I couldn’t stay in there too long. I spent the most of Wednesday doing Admin stuff for the wedding and portrait business I had put on my back burner whilst at college. Packages and Contracts now are written up ready for meetings!

In Pictures;

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Thursday

There’s not really a lot to report about today, I went to mum’s again and Stewart came straight from work for his tea! Mummabear is good to us. I ate a tonne of pink and whites and did a lot of nothing but I was with my family so, I was having the time of my life. Me and Lucy went food shopping with Mum, Eli and Andrew. When we arrived back home at mums, Gaz Mum’s husband had put the chain on the door whilst he was cleaning the upstairs, Mum was getting increasingly impatient as we were trying to should and knock on the door for Gaz’s attention. Before we knew it mum had Nicki Minjed her way into the house, making a paddy sandwich between the door and the wall, that didn’t stop the little monkey yapping at us as we were trying to take the shopping into the house. I think Gaz might have to fix the door chain back on now..

Andrew came back home with me, we played the new PS4 game ‘That’s You!’ My goodness, what a great game, we didn’t stop laughing the whole way through. I cannot wait to play this with more people.

Friday

A day of complete graft in the garden. Our garden is quite possibly the fastest growing garden on the planet, with it being on a hill it is a complete and utter nightmare to maintain, cutting the grass is a full body work out that leaves you sweating buckets no matter how cold the weather is, me and my brother cut down a big tree/weed thing that was blocking out the sunshine in the evenings, I think we both took a bit of frustration out on it, to be honest, didn’t take us long to make short work of it. Stewart wasn’t enjoying the gardening, as much as he was looking forwards to it, I think he instantly regretted it the moment we all actually started to do some work as from that moment on he was grumpy Stewart.

In Pictures;
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Saturday

Today it has been a year since me and Stewart got engaged. A whole year already. I’m starting to think a 5-year engagement is still too short, as now it would be 4 years and we’re nowhere near ready to tie the knot yet, we’re completely in limbo about whether or not we wanna do the house up first and then get married. I have a poorly doggy today, well I say poorly, Alf keeps sneezing, not stopping him from trying to raid the bin, bark his balls off or try and steal my choccy! I’m guessing it’s a bit of allergy, so I gave him an antihistamine and it calmed the sneezing down a considerable amount. I feel so sorry for him though because he headbutts whatever is in his way when he sneezes. I’ve heard him a lot bang his nose off the floor today; pretty sure that won’t be helping.

I’ve done more business work today, Finally finished my website for my wedding photography. It took me 3 days to do!! I am feeling super positives this time about my photographic ventures.

Feel free to check out my new website here.

In Pictures;

Sunday

Sunday, today has consisted of me and Stewart taking a walk around the bail gate taking tonnes of photographs ( and playing Pokemon!) and town where we decided to see what the Lincoln food festival was like. After this, we went to meet Stewart’s mum and Matt for a carvery. We decided after this though we weren’t ready to go home just yet. So we decided to go back out and get some more photographs but this time took our proper cameras with us; I’ve not edited these ones yet though; check out my phone ones below.

In Pictures;

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Looking Through Old Photography

Sometimes I sit whilst working on my photographs and honestly, think I’m no good at it, and that I’m not getting better over time, so I decided to dig right back into the archives and find some past work. I’m not sure how far back I will be able to dig but I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be some questionable photography stuff along the way!

 

My Photography Timeline

 

2008

Okay, so first 3 are from all the way back in 2008 when I was 15 years old, I had just discovered photography and started it for my GCSE.

tree trunk.jpgI found this photograph from an old laptop in a folder named ”Shannon’s Photography”. God this is shit. Can this even be classed as photography? I probably edited this with Picasa, not that it looks edited at all, I clearly thought it was good at the time though. Bless young me. NO FUTURE POTENTIAL EVER, SURELY?!

stone.jpgVery creative off me, not too badly done either considering the bad editing tools Picasa offered. Not brilliant, very boring and has no concept to it but all in all, an alright shot.

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Hey, I quite like this! Nicely caught 15 year old me, very relaxing image. I see a lot more potential here than the first picture.

 

 2011

I was clearly into really bad watermarks to try and make myself look that little bit more professional.

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I remember absolutely loving this picture for so long after I had taken it. At the time this was as good as it got for me. To be fair the reflections are pretty good. I’d have lifted some detail in those tree’s though, I’ve created silhouettes using the vignetting to darken the sky. Not a bad effort though I guess.

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Good lord, 8/10 for creativity and macro skills but what the hell was the concept?

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 15.55.02.pngLucy Allen, 2011

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 15.57.17Lucy Allen Infront Of A Fire, 2011

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 15.57.54Mermaid Lucy, 2011

Wahey, some (bad) portraits! (This is my sister, Lucy. She was my go-to model! She’s well gonna appreciate these throwbacks for sure I seemed to like making her get wet. )

Luce has just started her own blog, please go check it out. I’m sure she will appreciate it after these embarrassing throwback images. HAHA.

Lucy’s blog; Lucy’s Scoop

 

It’s only fair I guess I throw some throwbacks of Nikki too considering she was used a lot as a model as well for the development of my skills

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 16.02.04.pngNicola Harrison, 2011

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 16.02.14.pngNicola Harrison, 2011

Crikey me, Nik, you have the same haircut now. I was so proud of these as well, I even compared it to Olen Mills. Oh lordy. Taken in my ‘home made’ studio made up of a cream wall and a lamp.

2014

I believe I’d started back at college now so these photographs would have had some context to them… hopefully.

Fashion Shoot - Lucy 133.jpgCandy Skull Lucy In My Back Garden Full Of Mouldy Apples, 201410/10 FOR EFFORT AND CREATIVITY.

10/10 FOR EFFORT AND CREATIVITY.

IMG_9826.jpgJellyfish at The Deep, 2014

This reminds me of a desktop wallpaper.

IMG_4589-2.jpgBelton House, 2014

Clean and contrasty, I like it!

IMG_0353.jpgElijah-Law Primmer
How could this not be added in, look how beautiful and small he was.

IMG_5065.jpgWaddington Airshow, 2014.

One of my favourite shots ever from an airshow.

2015

The year I photographed a Celebrity!!

IMG_2846.jpgJason Bradbury, 2015

Who else would have given 4 work experience the time of day to take some portrait shots?

DSC_0098.jpgLucy Again, 2015

DSC_0150-2.jpgAndrew, AKA RUDE BOI, 2015

 

I think It’s safe to say I have improved massively over the years, thank goodness. It has however taken me a good few years to get to where I am now with my skills however, I did take about 4 years out of education. I’m quite proud of how far I have come but still, believe there is a long way for me to go yet! Photographers never stop learning and developing!

Keep working towards what you want to do and you’ll achieve great things.

 

Family, Thunderstorms and 18th Celebrations! 9.7.17

Good afternoon everybody! Hope you’re all feeling good and not too daunted by the fact that it is Monday tomorrow but it’s time to catch up on what has happened throughout the week!

Monday consisted of house maintenance and waiting for a washing machine to arrive. A brand new washing machine that hopefully, we will have a lot more luck with compared to the previous machines we’ve had in the last year or 2. After that we took a drive to Gainsborough, my sister Lucy was hating the way her house looked so we decided to go and drop her off some painting supplies and help her get started on making her house look a bit more personalised. She seemed to be much happier when we left. I know how it feels to live in a house and hate the way it looks. There’s honestly nothing better than being able to put your own mark on it.

 

Tuesday, I drove to Gainsborough. It was the first time I got back into a car and drove for a while. Honestly, I hate driving. I hate the pressure around me passing and I hate that all instructors I’ve been with have been complete arseholes. Maybe if I pass then I wouldn’t feel the pressure and would enjoy it. Honestly, though, I don’t have the money right now to get me through my test and that’s a bummer in itself. Asides from all that I spent the day at Mums with Lucy and Andrew, we played Mario and Sonic at the Olympic games on Nintendo ds’s and honestly it was hilarious to have all 3 of us playing one of the games we used to play as kids, giving each other shit when the other won and being sore losers.

 

 

Wednesday consisted of me spending time with my animals, lazing around the house and feeling sorry for myself. For some reason, I cannot come to terms with the fact that it’s ok to chill out and have nothing to do and because of that I purposely didn’t put a post up on Wednesday.  To show me it’s absolutely ok to do nothing all day. It was tough and I was constantly thinking about maybe constructing a post to go live but I didn’t because honestly, my mind space wasn’t great and it would have probably been some chit chat about something completely uninteresting.  The most strenuous thing I did all day bathed the dogs. They never look like they enjoy a bath but I know for a fact they do.

 

Thursday was another day spent in Gainsborough, again with mum, Lucy and Andrew. We had a pretty chilled day, the highlight of the day though was definitely me and Andrew sucking helium out of his 18th balloons. We had thunderstorms forecasted for Thursday and honestly I didn’t think they were going to happen. They never seem to happen anymore in the UK and about an hour before we actually had a storm hit us I sent my mum a text saying ”the day we get storms will be the day I eat shit!”  and mum said  ”Yeah me too” Turns out Thursday was the day I and my mum ate shit. (Funny, some people probably think me and mum talk a lot of shit. So that one’s for you!)
I saw the storm coming over the hill in the distance if you’ve ever seen out our house we can see quite far out from our little home on the hill. Mum had sent me pictures of her very angry looking sky and I got a little bit jealous because honestly, I didn’t think Lincoln was going to get hit by a storm. I sat outside watching the storm approach for about 45 minutes, as the storm got closer it turned redder, first, it was a pinky colour, then orange/pinky colour and then red. There’s a running joke in my family where everybody takes the piss out of me and says ”we’re doomed” everytime a storm is coming or there’s a remote sniff of possibility of a storm and that’s because I used to be obsessed with tornado’s as a young un and honestly, every time we had a storm I’d be 100% convinced we were getting a tornado and I’d hide under a mattress or table or something. Honestly, though, I saw these storm clouds on Thursday and honestly thought we were in fact, doomed.

 

 

Friday, a very boring Friday.  Nothing happened. I ate, watched youtube, had a workout and slept. Friday was a very CBA day. I watched a documentary on the weather, it was really good actually, you can see it here too;

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_puHRrN1fRI

Saturday we finally took my brother out on the town to celebrate his 18th birthday that was last weekend. We had pre-drinks at my home where we sang SingStar to get us all in the mood and ready to party and then we embarked on our way into town. Me, Stewart, Nan, Grandad, Mum, Gaz and Lucy and Ryan.  A long story cut very short, we had an ace night and I had the best time with these guys. One of the best nights out in a long time and I will just put it here that Lucy’s dancing is something otherworldly. It’s like nothing I have ever seen before and when you’re in a nightclub, you see a lot of strange dancing but her’s is just something else. I love my family. Oh, and I had a go at a bouncer. Yes, me. That’s for a whole other blog post though!

and finally, today, Sunday as I am writing this currently tucking into the biggest bowl of cheesy pasta imaginable because I LOVE CHEESY PASTA. I’m feeling good, probably the best I have felt all week. I have nothing planned for today and I’ve decided I am going to enjoy that!

Hope you all have a wonderful week! ❤

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