Different Weekly Update: Anxiety Chat.

I’ve re-wrote this post so many times before actually posting it out there for everyone to read because I’ve decided to speak out about some personal struggles within my own anxiety experiences. Because I literally have nothing to report to you about my week I’ve decided to do a bit of a chatty post to accompany it.

Anxiety, we all know how misunderstood this illness is and most of the time it comes paired with depression. Both of which I am a sufferer of.  Admittedly I feel as though when I write about my own mental health issues that people do not take it seriously and not only that they see me as a weak human being and this doesn’t apply to everybody who reads my blog or listens to me when I speak to them about it, but sometimes I feel like I am being totally misunderstood and there’s always that underlying feeling that you feel like people are judging you or think you’re lying about it.

I’m going to seriously get pretty deep about my anxiety and depression in this post so warning to anybody who may want to stop reading now.

Before I was put on antidepressants I was in a really bad way. My thoughts were so morbid constantly. I used to picture myself hanging off every tree we drove past in the car. I would sit there in the bath at night and I would wonder if people would actually care if I never came out the bathroom alive. I would constantly visualise people dying in car accidents every time I knew someone was driving somewhere. I was terrified that the people close to me were going to die in a car accident as soon as they got in the car and I wouldn’t rest until I knew they were home or at a destination safe.

I thought these thoughts were completely normal,  I was adamant that the way I was, was literally just me and the way I had to live the rest of my life. I thought that if I went to the doctors about it, they wouldn’t believe how I really felt and just send me off on my way without any help, since being on anti-depressants in January it soon became a shock and a relief when these thoughts stopped and I actually started to relax and enjoy life and feel a lot happier about things. I no longer have any of the issues above. I am completely and utterly content with how my life is.

Don’t get me wrong I still have underlying issues like being able to travel on my own, speaking on a telephone or even driving. For some reason, these seem to have much more underlying issues to them that the tablets didn’t make go away and they’re something I am dealing with as every day goes by.

This week has been a tough one because I have had an anxiety filled week and even now I am flooded with feelings of anxiousness. I get these flare ups occasionally and have done for the past few months. I have days where I would not eat either that or I eat so much that I’d be sat up all night feeling sick and have the worst heartburn I also have days where I isolate myself from everybody because I have so much going on in my mind that I need to take a day or two to calm down my mind.

I’ve been considering going back to the doctors but have currently just written how I’ve been off due to surrounding circumstances because when I was finally able to let go of any negative feelings then I found myself feeling a lot better. But this week I was faced with a hard decision on whether or not I wanted to go over everything I had forgotten about again. I found myself getting so worked up over the concept of it that I was getting chest pain, bad asthma attacks and a mass loss of appetite every day and I knew this wasn’t good nor healthy and something had to be done to stop this. Unfortunately without going into detail, what was offered to be done wasn’t good enough. Even explaining that mentally I cannot go through with something, that was not an excuse.

The most hurtful part of the whole situation I am being very cryptic about is that I feel like my mental health is not considered as important and anybody’s mental health should be taken 100% seriously. Mental health kills people and makes people extremely poorly.  Why do people not consider this?

I just think anxiety, depression and any other mental health issue should be taken very seriously and people should consider this more regarding situations. Just because they don’t suffer from it or experience it on a day to day basis doesn’t mean it is not there and that people do not suffer from it.

Because of how much of an emotional roller coaster this week has been I honestly can’t remember what I did yesterday without stressing out over not being able to remember so I’m not going to go into a mass detail about how boring it has been.

So, how am I going to move on from this? I’ve done all I can offer and now I need to accept that and stop overthinking situations I cannot control. I’ve done my part and that’s all I can do now. I cannot control how other people want to approach or take on a situation and I won’t allow that to make me feel as though I have made the wrong decision. My mental health is the most important thing to keeping myself fit and healthy, in the mind and physically.





Thursday, May 18th, 2017.

As I am writing this I am happily devouring brioche cheese buns and enjoying a coffee, staring at my computer reflecting on how much of a ‘bad’ week I have had and how I woke up feeling different this morning.

For about a month I have found it hard to get out of bed, I’ve eaten tonnes and tonnes of Cadbury chocolate and loads of other naughty stuff and completely put my morning exercise routines on the back burner, which was the everyday norm for me until I actually stuck to the new years resolution for once to ”get fit”. I’m not going to lie I do think the Antidepressants did help a lot with my motivation to diet and exercise because I felt amazing after the first 2 weeks of being on them. I was determined to turn my life around and I did.

Every now and then we come to a bump in the road, and you have to remember that that is all it is, just a bump in the road. Drive over that bump slowly and carry on, drive over it quickly and you might hurt your car in the process.

The last few days I have felt as though I don’t want to do my makeup, I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to see anybody and I was really starting to worry that things were heading back down that absolute horrible road of wallowing in a shit tonne of anxiety and depression. I’ve felt as though it’s been so hard these last couple of weeks and even had the thoughts that haunted me before come back ”would they really missed me if I were gone?” I had to shake my head a few times and tell myself that I have come so far on this journey and battle with my mental health that I am not going to let one bump in the road get me down as I have so so much to look forwards to for the rest of this year.

In just over a months time I have my final show at college, which is basically where the whole college get together and display all our final pieces from our latest final major projects and celebrate drinking wine with our tutors, friends and family. I then have a summer to look forwards to, summer is my favourite time of year, I have my graduation coming up which I am so excited about because I honestly, never ever thought I’d see the day that I’d graduate; seeing all my family there, being proud of what I have achieved will surely make me proud of myself.

This morning I woke up much happier, I had some fruit and fit in a workout which I hadn’t wanted to do for a while now and as much as it was only 20 minutes ( I do have a cold!) It was better than nothing. I am now sat here, again feeling positive and optimistic just how I like.

Asides from battling with my own emotions I haven’t really done much else this week. I’ve been considerably lost without college work hanging over my head so all I’ve really done is laze around, feeling terribly sorry for myself, eating crap and watching movies. I know next week will be different.




Dealing with hard situations.

Disclaimer: If there is a chance you will not like what you are about to read, do not read it. This is my blog, my release. 

Rough times are the worst, yet they help define who we are, how we understand and communicate with others around us. I have spent the majority of my adulthood so far trying to see the good in everyone; trying to constantly find excuses for why people are the way they are and why they treat people the way they do.
I’ve been through quite a lot in my 24 years on the planet that I have now come to terms with the fact that I’ll never in a million years be able to figure people out and know why people do the things they do to either cause a hindrance to someone’s life, hurt someone’s feelings or more unnecessarily hurt someone physically.

I have been subject to being the victim and probably in the past been guilty of all the things listed above, but what is most important is how you turn your life around and realise that the way you treat people is so, so very important and stop treating people wrongly.

I have always believed in the quote ”treat people how you want to be treated.” 

I’ve very recently had to come to terms with the fact that somebody who’s quite close to my heart is not who I thought they were or more accurately, wanted them to be. What I saw in them was completely erased in the last few weeks and this has been a massive lesson for me in my life and quite honestly, has opened my eyes, a lot.

Having finally gained control of my depression and anxiety, it was strange to experience something that I would have usually lashed out on, and feel completely different to what I expected.  I was hurt, I had been made to feel like I had been ignored completely for the last year or so.

When you’re made to feel this way by anyone it’s quite a hard thing to get over, when it’s family that has made you feel this way, it’s even more difficult because there are much deeper emotions and feelings involved and eventually can cause more damage to a relationship or a person.

Not just myself, but another person in my family has been completely alienated from a family circle, made to feel like we’re irrelevant, not as important, and well honestly, worthless to someone we feel as though we should be priceless too.

I’ve been made to feel that my life is a competition with my family and I need to remember that this is not the case. It doesn’t matter who is better at taking photographs, who is going to pass their drivers test first, or who takes the biggest dump! We need not compete especially not with family.

2 weeks have passed and I am still feeling the after sting of what happened but in no way shape or form am I bitter, or unhappy for someone else, nor was I ever. There’s a line between being hurt and being bitter and it’s something people need to learn to differentiate from one another. 

Over the past couple of weeks I have surrounded myself with the people that keep my head above the water, I have not let my feelings keep my down. I have spoken to people, because let’s be honest, keeping feelings inside does not help. I have  kept my mind busy and not let the hard situation impact my college work, mental health and happiness.  Let situations that are difficult make you stronger and let it strengthen relationships with the people that want a relationship with you. 

Do not let other peoples actions, opinions or words define you.